We’re Bad People.

As it turns out, Facebook has saved a lot of the messages between my best friend (R) and I (A).  After going through them, I realized we’re very bad people, although it’s hysterical.    I just wanted to save them for posterity.

R : I wouldn’t REALLY wish death on someone for getting an AWFUL song stuck in my head. I would, however, wish for a sock and some duct tape to magically appear in the vicinity.
A : You’re fucked up. That’s why we’re friends.
R : Pretty much.
A : BITCH
R : Skank-ho
A : WANG COOKER
R : Holy shit! I totally missed that last insult! It was so epic, I couldn’t comprehend it’s magnitude.
A : Wow, you’re being a total flaming bitch today. I applaud you on the superior way you worded that condescending comment.

—

A : What I love is that my cell will not send most texts- at least on the first try- unless they could potentially rip apart R**’s self-respect.  My phone does half the job for me.  He pretty much does the rest himself. … … … I’m getting the sensation that this thing with me and R** won’t end up being a total fiasco of catastrophic proportion.  Which, for me, is weird.

—

R : I is hungry but don’t feel like going and heating my food.  How lazy is that?

A : I’m hungry, but I’m too lazy to reach over my keyboard for my apple.  I win.

R : You do win.

–

R : I missed you terribly

A : I didn’t miss you at all.

R : Fine, then, bitch…

—

A : All these chicks that gave me grief in high school are divorced moms.  And I wasted my time getting a degree.

R : Nice.  Should I be offended?

A : Nope.  Also, one chick has a picture of husband, her daughter and herself, which looks professionally done.  It says “For Our Heros”.  And I wasted my time studying English.

—-

A : I missed you… … that’s totally a lie.

R : Jerkface.

A : Twat waffle.

R : … I don’t even have a decent comeback for that.

A : Win.

R : No… I refuse to concede!

A : I FUCKING WIN!!

—

R : I really do almost feel bad for taking so much joy in the fact that her engagement fell through. Like, debating sending her a message and being like, “I’m soooo sorry, are you okay??” just so I can take joy in it.

A : There’s no way to do that without coming off as a total bitch.

R : And I care, why?

—

A : Why do you hate me so much?

R : Someone has to endure the agony with me.

A : I can’t deal.  Please, let me preserve what little soul and faith in humanity I have left!

R : Why?  I don’t have any, you shouldn’t either.

A : But I’m better than you!  … …  We’re horrible to eachother, it’s quite amazing.

R : It’s out of love, though.

—

R : Holy shit, doctors in Berlin cured HIV in a patient!

A : Is it weird that I literally heard squeeling tires in my head?  WHAT?

—

A : There’s another Marine who’s super gorgeos, but kinda fucked up.  Als, I have forsaken my spelling skills today for idiocy.

R : STAY AWAY FROM FUCKED UP MARINE!!

A : But he’s so cute! … It’s official.  I’m only attracted to assholes.

R : Apparently!  Go get some councelling.

A : I don’t think it will help.

R : Probably not, you’re pretty well fucked.

A : Thanks for the vote of confidence, twat waffle.

—

A : I just got prank called by someone in my agency.

R : That’s awesome.

A : So I sent someone in his building to smack him.

—

A : Anyways, back to your bitching.

—

R : … Can I punch B*** and her pseudo-boyfriend in the face?

A : No, if only because I know it won’t dispell the stupid.

—

R : OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG

A : Taking a break.  Keep freaking out so it’s all fresh when I get back.

—

A : Boyfriend’s at work, in training, drinking.  (A little part of me is proud of him).

R : Where does he work that he can get away with that?

A : I don’t know.

—

A : Don’t underestimate my ability to be a douche.

—

R : I love you, but you need to quit men.

A : But… but… but!!

—

A : Are you getting ready for the Rapture?

R : I just read that… people are crazy.

A : I am comforted by one thing.  If it does happen, and I’m left here, no smug bastard can do the whole “I told you so” thing, cuz they’ll be in heaven, where I’d assume that type of attitude is looked down on.  So, I, concerned about my personal safety, have vowed not to drive on Saturday.  Just in case it does happen, that I don’t immediately get killed by all the driver-less cars.

R : Maybe as a reward for being taken up, they will get to come back and taunt those left behind.  You never know.

A : I, personally, would prefer the clouds made out of cotton candy to being sent back here just to boast.  That’s a pretty douche-y thing for the occupants of heaven to do.  But honestly, if the Rapture does take place this weekend and the acpocolypse begins, do I have to work on Monday or d’you think the government would just throw it’s hands up and shut down?

R : I bet you would.

A : Fuck that. I’ll call in “holy” or something.  Or better yet, have someone else call me in “holy” because they would notice something if I called trying to claim that I was taken in the Rapture.

—

R : I hate MLA.

A : It hates you.  Well, technically, it hates everyone.  So you can’t feel special or anything.

—

A : Bassoons are fucking weird looking and bassoonists look stupid holding them, randomly licking the reed.  But, God, do I miss playing the bassoon.

R : Seriously!  Maybe we missed out on our oral fixtion period in childhood and since we don’t like the taste of penis to compensate somehow.

A : I remember when my arms got “tired” or we had to wait a long time between playing and I would just balance it with my mouth.

—

A : Do you ever go through old friends’ facebooks and judge their husbands?  Like “How the fuck did [enter name here] end up with that?”.  Or their kids’ names?

R : Yes.

A : At least it’s not just me.

—

A : Stay in town with boyfriend who was being rather whiney about not hanging out with me for a couple of weeks.  Well, he was whining about how I didn’t tell him I was leaving town.  Or that I have my moving date.  Or that ny brother’s getting married.  Oh shit!  R*****’s getting married.  I forgot to tell you.

R : Omg, that’s awesome!!  OH… wait… I mean, WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME?!?  *whine*

—

R : Run fact about safe sex : The male neursery web spider (Pisaura mirabilis) will bring a silk-wrapped insect to a female prior to mating so she will eat the gift– instead of him.  The funnel-web spider Agelenopsis aperta has a different approach,  putting the female into a cataleptic state before mating so she won’t cannibalize him.

A : Hmmmm… I just get drunk.

—

A : So, that nice feeling I had when I FINALLY cleaned out my inbox this morning is gone.

R : Kindof like how you never have extra money, you never have a clean in box.

—

A : Sorry, three of my bosses walked in and then I forgot about you.  So, yeah, I hate you.

—

R : Oh, yay, someone’s being emo again…

—

R : He’s just being stupid and whiney.

A : I’m just being totally not surprised.

—

A : I’m thinking there’s a 75% change someone’s trying to kill me.  And I think I know who it is.

—

A : It looks like you’ve got teh same kind of cat K* has.  Apparently they’re expensive and the only breeder on the east coast for them is in Virginia.

R : Crazy.

A : Consequently, that was the same cat that pissed all over my furniture and I fucking hated.

—

A : OMG!!  God hates me.  Really.  He has it out for me.

—

R : Apparently all homosexuals give their small children beer and cocaine.  I flagged the comment because not only is that horribly offensive anyway, but he did not use the term “homosexual”.

—

A : Great, I fucked up some nerve in my arm.  At last it wasn’t something I contracted from my building.

—

R : So, my four year old actually called me “lame” the other day.

—

A : Wait… did P**** just wager your kid in a clean-off?

R : I think she did… and she’s Mexican, so she’s sure to win.

—

A : Also, the blueberry muffin poptarts are good.  Like vanilla and blueberry.

R : I want one!  A : Sure.  Let me just digitlize the sweet goodness and send it to you via email or telepathy.

—

A : The reason it was such big news, though, is that it’s the largest earthquake to hit our area since 1886.  Which is funny in that yesterday [the day of the earthquake], they were making a big deal about Colorado having it’s largest earthquake in 40 years.

R : Yeah, my sis lives in Colorado, so we both got hit.  Maybe my family made God angry?

A : What’re the fucking odds?  I told L*** yesterday that Tuesday has a vendetta against the human race.  Or just me.

R : It’s just sick of Monday overshadowing it with crappiness.  It just wanted to remind us all it’s still here.  Now we have a hurricane headed our way.  Maybe the politicians pissed off God.

—

A : Also, I think I’m going to find a therapist.

R : It couldn’t hurt.

A : If it happens, be prepared for “my shrink said” comments a lot.

R : “My shrink said you’re damaging to my ego, so we can’t be friends anymore.”

A : “And I told her to fuck off.”

—

A : It’s amazing how quickly you can go from Googling “Sept 11th quotes” to ending up in the crazy conspiracy part of the internet.  That’s like the third time it’s happened to me.  Maybe the internet is trying to tell me something…  I want a bagel.

—

A : I can feel Japan laughing at us.

—

A : I just cut myself on a chair and am bleeding.

R : HAHA!

—

R : I bet this turkey has  millionths of a gram of arsenic in it.

A : I bet your mom has millionts of a gram of arsenic in her.  BAM!

R : OH, BURN!!

—

A : I’ll give you info, you can actually write it because you write more pretty than me.

—

R : I’m distracting my screaming children.

A : I’m going to shower and go to the store.  Then I’m going to watch the FSU game and yell at my TV.

—

A : I forgot to mention that we’re bad people.

R : Um, yes, yes we are.

A : It’s better to admit it than pretend otherwise.